A Few Thoughts on Anxiety

Although I’ve always had a lot of empathy for people who suffered from anxiety disorders and always tried to understand it, I never knew just how constantly debilitating it could be. I had an image in my head that it was something which reared its head from time to time.

Now that I am struggling with anxiety, I have a whole new level of empathy for people who have previously struggled or are still struggling. Rather than anxiety being something that has will appear on occasion and make me feel terrible for a brief period, it has actually been something which I deal with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The thing which makes an occasional appearance is the feeling of calm but that is very rare. More often than not, if I have a brief period of not feeling anxious, all I feel is indifference because I am working on a menial task and am focused but not invested in it. It really has opened my eyes up to how some of my dear friends are feeling on a daily basis.

One of the things which has made me realise that anxiety is a constant state of being for me has been an annoying and painful side effect: clenching or grinding my teeth. My face is always very sore because the muscles in it, which are normally hardly used, are now being used at almost every moment of every day. The ironic thing about this is that it becomes painful to laugh or smile too much. It’s really rather sad, in a way.

I guess this realisation has made me more determined to find ways of reducing the anxiety that I am feeling in any way that I can, no matter how small it may be. Thinking about it logically, this would tie in with self-care, which I realise I realise I have not been great at practising recently. I think I need to make self-care my main focus right now.

Oh, and as I finish off this post, I’ve realised that my face also hurts because my anxiety makes me bite my lips more often. Isn’t it a strange feeling when you catch yourself absent-mindedly doing something?

Love and Peace

I Am Terrified

My head is spinning. I am over thinking. My heart is racing. I feel very low and I am terrified that I am going to hit rock bottom again.

 

I am rocking back and forth and I have absolutely no idea why. I cant get myself out of this mindset that I am inadequate and nobody likes me. I feel like I am an absolute failure in my life and I won’t get better.

 

I am hungry but my brain is refusing to give me the motivation to eat. I haven’t drank any water today or taken my meds. All I have done is smoke cigarettes. I want to get up, wash, eat and sort my life out but my brain is fighting me. It’s fighting hard and I don’t know if I have enough willpower to keep fighting back.

 

This is going to defeat me.

Today is a Good Day

I woke up today, earlier than I had planned, feeling very different to how I normally feel.

 

Usually, I wake up feeling very anxious and feeling like I am a worthless piece of crap. Today, however, I woke up feeling very calm. I wasn’t worrying about anything and I saw something that I hadn’t seen in a while: I saw the potential to make today whatever I wanted to make it. I am not a piece of crap and the things that I do matter. They matter greatly, to me and to the people who care about me. Today, I can see this very clearly and I think it is time to start taking responsibility again.

 

As I got out my laptop and set out to write a blog post, I had no idea what I wanted to write. Rather than feeling anxious and frustrated about this, I decided just to breathe and write whatever came to mind. I decided to take it back to basics and look at this platform as that which it was originally intended: something I could use to get my thoughts down on paper and clear my head. I shouldn’t worry about writing things which will be meaningful or will attract viewers. I am doing this for myself, first and foremost and if it also helps a few people along the way then that is a bonus.

 

Today will be a good day. I will make today a good day. I will practice some self-care and make sure anything that needs done around the house is done. A few weeks ago, I started doing this. I started taking responsibility for my life; however, my brain didn’t want me to do that and it sabotaged all of my attempts to get things back on track. Well, brain, I hope you haven’t forgotten about that letter I wrote to you. I have taken steps to help you get better so I hope you will be doing the same once the meds kick in. We’ve got this and I won’t stop fighting.

 

Today is a good day. I am feeling happy. I am feeling motivated. I am feeling more myself again than I have in a long time. Let’s not waste this opportunity to move forward. Let’s do this.

 

Love and Peace

A Pill a Day Keeps the Demons Away

Well, today I did it. I went to the doctor and spoke about my anxiety and depression.

Well, today I did it. I went to the doctor and spoke about my anxiety and depression.

 

This really wasn’t as scary as I had always expected. In fact, it was rather underwhelming. I had thought that my GP might probe me with lots of questions to make sure I was actually depressed, rather than just sad or even faking it for attention or drugs. Nope. She didn’t question very much and any questions she did ask I was able to answer very honestly. Within 10 minutes she had worked out what I had already done for my own mental health and figured that it was time for some extra help; however, although she was able to come to this conclusion very quickly, I couldn’t but feel the entire time that she was treating me as just another person with depression, rather than an individual. She seemed very bored through the entire appointment and certainly didn’t seem like she cared. Oh well.

 

Now, if you have read One Small Step for a Beard… then you will know my feelings on taking medication and especially antidepressants. I have no problem with other people taking them and I understand that, if it helps them, it is the best thing for them. Of course, when it comes to my own head and my own body, my opinion for some reason differs. I am scared of antidepressants. Terrified…. and by now you’ve probably guessed that this is exactly what my doctor prescribed today. Well, fuck.

 

Yes, I am scared of these tablets. I don’t know how they are going to make me feel. I know that they will more than likely help my depression and anxiety… but will I feel better? Will I feel like myself or a completely different person? Will I keep the things in my head that I actually enjoy about myself or will I lose those too? These are just some of the questions swirling around in my head. I guess there is literally only one way to find out: start taking the damn medication and getting better. Pushing through the fear and actually doing something that will benefit me, rather than sabotaging it like I normally do.

 

Hell, maybe they’ll help my brain remember me… then I can find myself again. Wouldn’t that be the best outcome that I could hope for? Thinking about that actually put a smile on my face as I write this. Here’s to getting better, regardless of how long the journey may be.

 

Love and Peace.

Letter to My Brain

Hi. Remember me? I sometimes wonder if you do as, to me, you seem like a stranger. I don’t recognise you anymore so it would only make sense that you don’t recognise me.

I have seen a few other bloggers do this (most notably RuthinRevolt & BeardedIgor) and I thought I would give it a try. Let’s see how it turns out:

 

“Dear Brain,

 

Hi. Remember me? I sometimes wonder if you do as, to me, you seem like a stranger. I don’t recognise you anymore so it would only make sense that you don’t recognise me.

 

I hope to help you remember with this letter, as I am getting pretty fed up with your attempts to ruin relationships, jobs, finances and my health. It needs to stop and it will benefit both of us, I promise. You will understand when you remember who I am.

 

I am the man who used to be more laid back than The Dude. Well, maybe that’s just, like, my opinion, man. Still, I was so laid back that I never let anything negative bother me. It was all water off a duck’s back. I just continued doing the things I loved and I had fun with life. Anything ringing a bell?

 

I am the man who used be happy with his life and relationships. Who rarely second guessed himself or over-thought about anything. Things were straight-forward and simple. Still nothing?

 

I am the man who used to have ambitions. Who wanted to work with his one true love: music. Who wanted to write and sell music, play on stage to adoring (lol) fans and tour the world. Who wanted to record other people’s music and help other people realise their potential. Who wanted to be a teacher. Anything at all yet?

 

I am the man who used to find the funny side of everything. Who would laugh at himself when he was being ridiculous and start over. Who would pounce on every opportunity to share that laughter and joy with his friends and family. You must be starting to see it now?

 

Maybe this one will jog your memory: I am the man who used to love with all of his heart. Who found joy in every situation. Who did everything he could to help the people he cares about feel better and succeed. Who loved himself and the things for which he stood.

 

The man I am describing is nowhere to be seen right now. Maybe once you remember him, you can help me find him again? Please? I can’t do this without your help.

 

What are we doing today then, Brain? The same thing we do every day: try to sabotage every aspect of my life? I hope not. “Try to take over the world” always had a better ring to it, in my opinion.

 

Let’s try to get along better. I will try to take better care of you but you need to take care of me too. There can’t be a disconnect, otherwise we will just continue to hurt each other.

 

I’m willing to try if you are.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Duncan”

 

brain-cartoon-drawing-57

 

Well, that went a lot better than I expected. Thanks for reading.

 

Love and Peace

 

 

 

 

One Small Step for a Beard…

Well, I’ve made another step towards managing my mental health. It’s not an easy one and I’m feeling very anxious about seeing it through: I made an appointment with my doctor.

This has been something that I’ve tried to do in the past but there was always something stopping it from happening; whether it was no appointments being available or my anxiety stopping me from pursuing it. I’ve generally been anxious about seeing my doctor recently, anyway. I don’t know why but I have a feeling it’s an extension of how I’ve been feeling the last couple of years, with my sudden change from being a happy-go-lucky guy to being a twisted, depressed sack of meat and bones.

I’ve never been great at taking medication. I think that’s because I haven’t been ill very often in my life and my body can generally fight off anything that’s thrown at it. Upon reflection, my anxiety in this particular situation may stem from that: knowing that there’s a high probability my doctor will prescribe anti-depressants. I have heard both good and bad things about them but to me they are quite scary. Not something I ever thought I would need to use.

This step that I took today in booking the appointment is a small one in the grand scheme of things. Although, it is a giant leap in terms of my progress. Here’s hoping that it helps.

Love and Peace.

Worthless

I have been doing very well in coping with my mental health problems these last couple of weeks. I honestly felt happy, for the most part. Of course, when you’re happy, it’s easy to forget that you will be sad again at some point. I am feeling very down today.

 

I woke up and didn’t get out of bed. I haven’t moved from this space in 3 hours. I’m hungry but I don’t want to make food. I’m thirsty but I don’t want to get water or tea. I can’t get up to go to the bathroom. I just feel paralysed. When I woke up, an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness came over me. It’s an all too familiar feeling. One that I hadn’t felt in a while, since I was doing so well mentally. I don’t know what to do with myself. I know that getting out of bed and doing something will help me. Maybe writing this blog will help even a little. I just can’t bring myself to do much more than this. I feel a panic attack coming on right now, as I type this. I think it’s because I’ve overwhelmed myself with thoughts that I’m pathetic and worthless.

Worthless

There’s also something else that I have been struggling with for a few months. It has been constantly on my mind and it’s difficult to push it out: I have fallen head over heels in love and I can’t be with her. Life in all of its glory has made sure of that. The circumstances just don’t allow for it right now. I have been hoping that things would gradually get better but they have just remained a constant and it doesn’t look like it’ll be changing any time in the near future. We have talked about our feelings for each other and we both agree that neither of us is in the right frame of mind or life circumstance for a relationship. We have agreed that letting things happen naturally is the best way to move forward. For the most part, I have felt that it is indeed the best way; however, having anxiety in situations like this really doesn’t help at all. My tendency to over think gets in the way. It almost caused a complete break in our relationship just the other day, as I said some things that implied she didn’t really love me and she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. It was a dick move and I felt horrible almost immediately after I said it. Yet another example of anxiety and over thinking putting a strain on relationships. I have flooded my head with so many thoughts about our relationship that it has caused me to have full-blown anxiety attacks. I worry that I will lose her. It’s a horrible feeling, being worried that you will lose somebody. I don’t want to be dependent on somebody but I love this girl and I want her to be in my life. It’s another thing that makes me feel pathetic and worthless, as a lot of the time I feel like I am nowhere near good enough for her. If she were to read this, I may even get a slap in the face for being such a silly bastard. It’s just something I struggle to keep under control.

Love

This has just been a few thoughts on how I’m feeling today. I needed to get some things out of my head and down on paper (or on a laptop). I am feeling a little better for doing it. I do still feel pretty worthless but hopefully I can snap myself out of it soon.

 

Love and Peace.