I Am Terrified

My head is spinning. I am over thinking. My heart is racing. I feel very low and I am terrified that I am going to hit rock bottom again.

 

I am rocking back and forth and I have absolutely no idea why. I cant get myself out of this mindset that I am inadequate and nobody likes me. I feel like I am an absolute failure in my life and I won’t get better.

 

I am hungry but my brain is refusing to give me the motivation to eat. I haven’t drank any water today or taken my meds. All I have done is smoke cigarettes. I want to get up, wash, eat and sort my life out but my brain is fighting me. It’s fighting hard and I don’t know if I have enough willpower to keep fighting back.

 

This is going to defeat me.

Today is a Good Day

I woke up today, earlier than I had planned, feeling very different to how I normally feel.

 

Usually, I wake up feeling very anxious and feeling like I am a worthless piece of crap. Today, however, I woke up feeling very calm. I wasn’t worrying about anything and I saw something that I hadn’t seen in a while: I saw the potential to make today whatever I wanted to make it. I am not a piece of crap and the things that I do matter. They matter greatly, to me and to the people who care about me. Today, I can see this very clearly and I think it is time to start taking responsibility again.

 

As I got out my laptop and set out to write a blog post, I had no idea what I wanted to write. Rather than feeling anxious and frustrated about this, I decided just to breathe and write whatever came to mind. I decided to take it back to basics and look at this platform as that which it was originally intended: something I could use to get my thoughts down on paper and clear my head. I shouldn’t worry about writing things which will be meaningful or will attract viewers. I am doing this for myself, first and foremost and if it also helps a few people along the way then that is a bonus.

 

Today will be a good day. I will make today a good day. I will practice some self-care and make sure anything that needs done around the house is done. A few weeks ago, I started doing this. I started taking responsibility for my life; however, my brain didn’t want me to do that and it sabotaged all of my attempts to get things back on track. Well, brain, I hope you haven’t forgotten about that letter I wrote to you. I have taken steps to help you get better so I hope you will be doing the same once the meds kick in. We’ve got this and I won’t stop fighting.

 

Today is a good day. I am feeling happy. I am feeling motivated. I am feeling more myself again than I have in a long time. Let’s not waste this opportunity to move forward. Let’s do this.

 

Love and Peace

My Blogging Journey: Hitting Milestones

Today is a good day. Well, apart from being tired and having to work but ‘c’est la vie!’ I have hit several milestones with my blog and am ecstatic!

 

Earlier in the week, I managed to triple my highest number of views in a single day (which was 33) by reaching 101 views on my blog for that day. This was absolutely incredible and to be quite honest, it was so unexpected. It was on the back of posting my Getting to Know Me post, which was just a short Q&A for a bit of fun in amongst all of the seriousness that my blog normally entails. I hardly expected anybody to read it, never mind getting 101 views as a result… but that’s not all.

 

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I also realised that, by reaching over 100 views in a single day, I had also smashed 500 total views since starting my blog at the beginning of June. Now, I have seen growth which was 10 times as fast, reaching 5000 views in 2 months but this was from somebody who posts on their blog and networks with the community EVERY SINGLE DAY . Hats off to them but for me, reaching 500 views in under 2 months has been such an amazing accomplishment. I never imagined that people would want to read what I had to say about my mental health journey so it has been astonishing to get the exposure that I have had, with very little networking.

 

I’m still not done! As well as reaching 500 total views, I also reached 50 WordPress followers! I think I am probably most proud of this one, as many of my followers have come from people stumbling across my blog by chance, rather than my shares on Twitter and Instagram. Whenever I would put up a new post, before I’d even had a chance to Tweet about it, I would have several views and 1 or 2 new followers.

 

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To top it all off, this morning I hit 500 followers on Twitter! This hasn’t been a massive growth, considering that I started with over 200 followers before I started by blog; however, it is still a milestone nonetheless and it has just been another achievement to add to the list this week. The Twitter blogging community has to be the nicest and most supportive community that I have ever been a part of and if it wasn’t for that then I don’t think I would still be blogging.

 

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Each one of these milestones means so much to me and I couldn’t have done it without every reader, every follower, everybody I’ve interacted with in the Twitter community and every person in my life who told me to just go for it and start a blog. I really do love and appreciate every single one of you and I am so thankful for every view, follow and share.

 

Here’s to the next 2 months!

 

Love and Peace.

A Pill a Day: Has it Kept the Demons Away?

At this point, I am 2 weeks into my 6 week course of antidepressants. Has it helped so far? Let’s take a look and find out.

 

When I started taking the pills, I was very nervous, as you can read in A Pill a Day Keeps the Demons Away. Although I knew that the medication was specifically designed to combat depression and anxiety, I was worried that it might take something away from me; that it might turn me into somebody who I don’t want to be. Having taken the medication for 2 weeks, I am quite pleasantly surprised that it hasn’t done that which I feared.

 

Let’s start with the side effects that I have experienced so far, as although there have only been 2, they have been pretty unexpected. The first side effect that I experienced, around a week into the course, was tiredness. I would never say that I am somebody who regularly has trouble sleeping; however, I have noticed a considerable difference in how much my body needs sleep, specifically at night-time. I have been starting work at 7:30am and finishing at 3:30pm. When I started this shift, I was pretty excited, as I thought I would have plenty of time in the evenings to do things that I enjoy. Well, with these new pills, this turned out not to be the case. I found that I was very tired very early in the evening. The first day on my shifts and just a few days into taking the medication, I fell asleep at 7:00pm. This was very alien to me, as I have always been somebody who stays up until I need to go to sleep. From that day onwards, I have been so sleepy every single night.

 

The second side effect that I experienced was excessive sweating. I have always been a larger guy but I’ve never had an issue with sweating. Sure, during the really hot weather that we’ve had, I was pretty clammy a lot of the time; however, even as it got colder, I realised that I still felt very warm and I was constantly sweating like I’d just ran a long distance race. This has been very unpleasant and it is not something that I hope continues. I am sure that both of these side effects will even out and I will be back to my normal self soon, although I will miss being able to sleep on cue.

 

Now that we have the side effects out of the way, let’s have a look at how I’m feeling. I am feeling much less anxious. I am over thinking less. These two things on their own are hugely positive for me, as you will probably know from reading Over Thinking. I feel like I can get on with my day and do the things I want to do, without being held back by constantly feeling anxious for no damn reason or by over thinking every little decision or situation. It has also helped my relationship with that one person with whom I’ve become very close. Things have been gradually getting better over the last two weeks and I am so happy about this. As well as the lack of anxiety, I feel like I am more prone to happiness. This has been such a welcome return to form, as I used to be a very positive person and would always look on the bright side of any situation. It hasn’t been a full return but it has been a massive step in terms of where I was two weeks ago. I have also found that I am more likely to carry out my self-care routines more often. By more often, I mean I have been doing it every single day since starting the medication. Now, this may be because I made a promise to myself that I would incorporate self care along with the medication, knowing that the pill on its own would not be a fix. It also could just be that the medication has triggered something in my brain that gives me the drive to do the things I need and want to do.

 

I am only two weeks into this course of medication and my GP advised that it can take three to four weeks to settle in and start to work so I have by no means experienced the full benefit of it. At the same time, I could experience something completely different and far more negative over the next 2 weeks. I really don’t know how things are going to pan out… but I am excited to see and I am feeling pretty positive right now.

 

Love and Peace.

Getting to Know Me

Last week, on Twitter, I asked my followers to send me questions of things that they would like to know about me. I wouldn’t exactly say that I was inundated with responses but I did receive far more than I was expecting and I am so thankful for every response. So without any further ado, here is my Getting to Know Me post!

What is your favourite flavour of Monster Munch? (@MeglioVivere)

I love this question for its simplicity and for the fact that I LOVE Monster Munch. Given the choice, I will ALWAYS pick Flamin’ Hot!

Do you enjoy reading? If so, what is your favourite book? (@Blogabtnothing1)

I actually felt quite guilty receiving this question, as I do absolutely love reading but I have not read a book in so long. I guess I shouldn’t feel so bad, as I have been reading blogs and this has kept my brain active. As for my favourite book, this would need to be Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

What is the most dangerous/stupid thing that you remember doing as a child? (@Hypercofficial)

I did many stupid things when I was a child. I was a daydreamer so my parents had to practically beat a sense of awareness of my surrounidings into me. I think that the most dangerous and stupid thing, however, was jumping across the street when the ice cream van was driving down the road and only a couple of feet away from me. I was 4 years old and just lept across, not even thinking about what would happen if I jumped too late. I felt like a daredevil. I ran home and told my dad, I was so proud of myself. He smacked me and grounded me.

Other than The Lord of the Rings, what is your favourite fantasy series? (@ThatGlasgwGamer)

I wonder how you knew that The Lord of the Rings was my favourite fantasy series… anyway, I’ve got many favourite films and series. If it’s a case of TV series then I think my favourite is Gameof Thrones; however, if we’re talking films then it’s definitely Star Wars!

Are you working just now (Sunday) mate? (@CDeePops)

Yes. Yes, I was working.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that and it’s great to get another post up and have a bit of fun. Thanks for taking part and I hope your week is treating you well! I’m off to enjoy my weekend with my favourite person!

Love and Peace.

Growing Up a Shadow

I have been asked by someone close to me to write about my lifestyle growing up. It was pretty hard to pick a part of my youth that would be interesting enough to put on paper (or the internet) but I have decided to write about my life as a shadow to one of my [former] best friends. Before I get to this, I feel like I need to give you a brief history of my childhood into adolescence.

When I was growing up and going through the earlier years of high school, I didn’t have many friends. My best friend from the age of 3 years old had moved away when we were 10 with his parents quite suddenly and I was left without any close friends for a while. I was quite a solitary kid anyway so this didn’t really bother me at the time (apart from the fact I’d just lost a very close friend). I went to school and worked hard in my classes and as far as I can remember I was quite content with life on my own. My family life was good, as my parents never left me or my brothers wanting for anything and they always made sure we had plenty to do at home. I played video games and (as was very popular at the time I was growing up) read Harry Potter for hours on end. The fact that I managed to read all of these books myself from a very young age meant that I am still a Potterhead even to this day, as sad as it may be. I don’t care; I am who I am and I like what I like.

 

Deathly Hallows

 

Other than Harry Potter (which, surprisingly, wasn’t very popular among my peers), video games and a wee bit of guitar, I didn’t have any common interests. This obviously made it difficult to relate to anybody in my school; however, I didn’t really pay much attention to it at the time. Until, of course, I hit puberty and started becoming that awkward kid who didn’t have any pals. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and I all of a sudden became very aware of what people thought of me. I am sure many of you can relate, whether you want to admit it or not. For a while, I was pretty much the stereotypical outcast teenager and I was very aware of it. At one point, some other kids could see what I was going through and they asked me to hang out with them. Well, I had been asked to hang out before but it was usually a trap, in order to make me look like an idiot. I was very cautious when I accepted but it actually turned out to be a great thing for me. They were the “moshers” of the school and welcomed me in with open arms. They always met me before school and asked me to sit with them in classes. Pretty soon, we were hanging out after school, although not at weekends because I usually spent that time with my family. We would go to a youth club on a Wednesday night, where we would take the money given to us by our parents and (you guessed it) bought sugary sweets and energy drinks! Now, I know a lot of you were probably expecting there to be alcohol involved and for a few people at the club this was the case but we didn’t drink at this stage and if any of us ever did it was always away from the group. We would still get up to the usual young kid antics. Daring each other to do stupid stuff, play fighting, pranks, etc. I remember having the best time and I always looked forward to a Wednesday. There was just one thing that I couldn’t shake: I was a quiet kid. I was always there but I would hardly ever contribute to conversations or take part in any of the pranks. I was so quiet that, on a few occasions, I “met” the same people for the first time almost every week, as they could never remember meeting me. I didn’t really care, I just laughed it off with my friends. I mean, I obviously did enough to still be considered a part of the group, otherwise people wouldn’t have kept asking me to come back.

Now that you know a little bit about the direction I was headed in with this crowd and what I was like as a kid, I can introduce you to the person who would be my best friend for a good number of years. For the purposes of the blog and keeping things anonymous, I will refer to him only as Archie. I met Archie during a period of P.E. doing weight training. We started talking about music and bands that we liked. Now, although I had been hanging out with moshers, I hadn’t listened to much in the way of alternative music so I couldn’t name Archie many bands that I would have heard. To be honest, music wasn’t a huge part of my life at this point. That was about to drastically change. Archie introduced me to the heavier side of music with bands like Rammstein, Slipknot and a few others. We very quickly started hanging out outside of school and we would listen to music and even play guitar. I had played on and off since I was 8 years old but this was the first time I took a keen interest in it. As well as the guitar playing, going to gigs was a huge thing that happened almost every month. He actually took me to my first gig, which was Rammstein. Imagine your first live band being Rammstein at the age of 14!

 

Rammstein

 

As it was just the two of us hanging out and we were spending a lot of time together, we quite often had very deep conversations about life and we realised we had a lot in common as human beings. The way we thought and the way we treated people, as well as our taste in food and our interest in video games, particularly Final Fantasy. It was incredible to have a best friend at that teen stage of my life who not only understood me but who also was very similar. The thing is, by this point, Archie had already established something without me even realising: he was the alpha of the two of us. He would always be the one who decided what we were doing on any given day. I didn’t care or even notice at that point, as I was just so happy to have a best friend. I really wish I’d noticed sooner because it turned out this kind of alpha behaviour left unchallenged was going to take over the friendship completely.

 

We continued hanging out right the way through school, with Archie being the centre of attention 100% of the time. If we hung out with other people, Archie was always the one who would act up and make a fool of himself so that everybody else would laugh at him and he would stand out. He was also a fan of “peacocking” which was just to dress as brightly and ridiculously (but also stylishly) as possible so that you attract attention. Of course, the kind of attention he wanted was female, as he was a mad shagger. This became very apparent when we reached the age of 18 and started drinking. He was out every weekend on the pull. With Archie being the centre of attention all the time, you may think that I had a pretty easy time of it. This was unfortunately not the case. Socially, I had a pretty rough time. I mean, I was meeting new people all the time; however, they never paid any attention to who I was, as they were always just smitten with Archie. I would bump into people when I was on my own and they would recognise me but it would always be “oh hey, you’re Archie’s pal!” and they would never remember my name. I usually just brushed it off.

 

 

Shadow

 

 

Well, things were pretty much like that for the majority of my adolescent and young adult life. I felt like I was Archie’s shadow all of the time. When we were at college, at the pub, at house parties. Even when we did karaoke, I never felt like I was good enough to do it on my own and only ever sang a duet with Archie. It was pretty bad, looking back on it. Then came a momentous change that I was not expecting: Archie disappeared. When I say he disappeared, I mean I knew exactly where he was but he just lost contact with everybody. You see, he had gotten into a relationship with the girl he’d come to love. I was happy for the 2 of them, as I could see how smitten they were with each other. Until she took full control over him and he fell off the radar. He wasn’t allowed to see anybody, use any social media, go on any nights out. I felt bad for him, given his situation but at the same time, I felt incredibly hurt that he made no effort to keep in touch with me, his best friend.

 

There was a huge change that happened within myself too: I found myself and began making friends with people for who I was, rather than for who I had as my friends. When I went out to the pub, I started chatting to people who were interested in talking to me. When I went to parties, I was able to hold a conversation with people without Archie being there to suddenly steal the attention of the whole room by being an idiot. I started making friends with people, rather than just becoming acquaintances… and do you know what? I was no longer just Archie’s pal; I was Duncan. People love me for who I was and I finally had a life. I was no longer somebody’s shadow, in fact, I may have been creating my own shadows with the amount of confidence that I had gained in such a short space of time. I started singing on my own at the karaoke and nowadays I’m praised for my vocal talent. I’m still quite humble but it’s nice to hear that people appreciate something you do. I started talking to strangers in social settings, no longer worried that they won’t like me and instead just going in with the right foot forward and being myself.

 

 

Find Yourself

 

 

My advice from all of this: don’t be anybody’s shadow. Always be yourself and people will like you for you who are. If you allow somebody to overshadow you that much, you will lose yourself. Don’t let it happen.

 

Love and Peace.