The Return of the Beard

I’m Back!

Well, it certainly has been quite some time since I talked about my life. I have missed blogging terribly but my life was so busy that I just could not keep on top of writing, along with everything else.

Since I last wrote a wee update, I’ve started a new job, come off my meds and I’ve been practicing more self care. I am definitely in a much better place than I was the last time I wrote. I guess, in some ways, that makes it a little bit more difficult to write; mainly because I am so used to writing whenever things are going wrong or whenever I am feeling like the pits. Well, inspiration has struck and I will take this wherever it may take me. You all will just need to deal with whatever drivel I unload into this post.

My New Job

I think that this new job has made the biggest difference to my mental health over the last few months. It seems to have been the thing which catapulted me into a better place. That is in no small part thanks to the fact that I seem to have found a job where I feel appreciated. It is also a relatively new development within the company I’m working for, which means there is a lot of room for progression. I am still aiming for a job as a teacher or a trainer and it seems an opportunity like that may come up pretty soon within this project!

I am still doing training, despite starting the job in November 2018. The fact that they provide 12 weeks of training for this role shows me that they are invested in their staff and it is a huge difference from my last employer. It has lead me to feel more relaxed and at peace with my job, which something I have not felt for a very long time. I am nearing the end of training, which is only 2 weeks away and I already feel like I am ready to do the job well. I am excited to work hard and show them what I’m capable of!

Off My Meds?

Yep, you read that right. I am currently cold turkey on my meds and have been for around 2 months now. Don’t get the wrong idea, this was not purely a conscious decision for my mental health. The meds were definitely helping me. The reason I stopped taking them was simply that I ran out and I suddenly became too busy with work that I forgot to refill the prescription. Since then, the new job and better mindset has kept me going and I have not really felt like I need them; however, there have been times when I have felt incredibly intense depression and anxiety. I think my body is telling me that I need that chemical balance again and it is struggling to cope. I haven’t yet decided whether or not I will go back on them but I do feel that it would be a good idea. I will keep you posted on this, for sure.

More Self-Care

I have never been very good at looking after myself. All I have ever been good at is surviving. Well, since I left home and had to look after myself without my parents being there 24/7 anyway. I would always find myself doing the bare minimum in terms of staying clean and healthy and also in keeping myself fed. Lately, however, I have been making sure that I follow a daily routine, which includes washing, looking smart, being productive and and setting aside time to cook meals. I have been making meals that I can take to work, which has made me feel very proud of myself. I have been making lovely meals for dinner in the evening, which has made me feel more creative and just happy in general. I have also been making sure that I change into my PJs when I get home then having some tea and biscuits. This makes me feel a lot more relaxed and content. These may all sound like silly little things to the average person but all of them have added up. All of them together make me feel mentally healthy, even if it is just for brief periods. Long may it continue!

I still feel very much like my mental illness has a vice like grip on me and I don’t think that will change any time soon. The demons are being kept at bay for now but they are still lurking. Can I keep them away long enough each day so that I can continue feeling good about myself? I will certainly try my hardest.

What’s in Store?

Well, now that I am in a better place and feeling motivated, I have decided to continue blogging in my spare time! I will be updating this as often as I can. I also will be doing my Twitter chats, retweets and mental health awareness support on Twitter. I will do my best to upload more content to my YouTube channel, as believe it or not I am still super excited to have that medium available in my fight against the stigma of mental health. I thoroughly enjoyed making my first 2 videos and will definitely be continuing with the project.

This is all a lot to handle and keep on top of so I will of course be keeping an eye on my mental health in case the pressure of everything ends up being too detrimental. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with everything.

Thank You!

I would just like to end this post with a heart-felt thank you to all of you who have stuck by my side whilst I have been away from blogging. You know who you are and I cannot express just how much I really appreciate it.

Until next time!

Love and Peace

I Am Not Okay

I have made leaps and bounds with my mental health and some of the good days that I have had lately have been absolutely amazing. I have experienced many moments of absolute clarity, when I feel invincible and I can see my path laid out before me. There is just one little problem and I am not okay because of this: the comedown from these moments. It is relentless and I have not been able to push it back.

The Comedown

When I am feeling good, I know exactly what I must do to take care of myself and put my mental health first. I understand the importance of seeing the comedowns for that which they really are – the bad with the good; nothing more and nothing less. I know that I should be thinking about the bigger picture and allowing these moments to pass but when it comes to it, I just cannot. I end up falling down into the pits again, my brain refusing to let me do anything. I have spent the majority of my time in my bed. I feel helpless and unable to move. I want to move so badly… but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to get up and do the things I know I need to do.

This has been and will continue to be the hardest, most debilitating and most soul crushing battle that I have ever had to fight. I want to keep fighting and I know I will; I am just losing the energy to keep it up. I cannot see how I am going to keep moving forward.

I hope that I see another light again soon so that I can continue the fight.

Love and Peace

Not Everybody is Like You

I’m sat here, thinking to myself. I’m in danger of my thoughts taking me to somewhere very dark and negative so I thought I would write something meaningful and keep my brain in line.

The thought occurred to me that I often get hurt by other people. The majority of the time, this hurt is not intentional by the offending party but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. How could they have been so thoughtless and inconsiderate that they would do something which would hurt me so much? Am I overreacting? Would another person like myself be hurt in the same way? I like to think that everybody else would feel the same way as I do but that, quite frankly, just isn’t the case.

Although there are bound to be people out there who think and feel the way I do, the reality is that a majority of humankind is so different from me. What is offensive or hurtful to me, will be nothing to a great percentage of my peers. This is quite hard to accept, as we all seek to relate to others in one way or another. If we can’t relate to them because of a differing opinion or feeling over something, it becomes harder to connect with them. Harder but not impossible, I might add.

One thing that I often reinforce for people who are having a difficult time and feel like they are overreacting or just acting crazy, is that their feelings are valid. They are valid because it is what is going on in their mind and they feel that way whether they like or not. Perhaps I should remember that piece of advice when it comes to my own mental health and my own feelings of being hurt. It is valid that I feel hurt because, whether I like it or not, I feel that way. What’s important is how I approach the situation and whether or not I am able to figure out why I’m hurt and if it was justified. There is a difference between something being valid and something being justified. I think we all need to find that line, in all aspects of our lives.

This was a bit of a ramble but I hope it’s been thought provoking. Have a wonderful Saturday evening.

Love and Peace

I’m Back! Wee Life Update

Hello!

I have been very quiet as of late and I feel a little guilty for closing myself off; however, I recognise that it has been for my own mental health and I have to say: I am feeling much better for taking the time off from social media and my blog. Before I get into it, I would like to give a shoutout to the people who have checked in on me whilst I have been quiet. You know who you are and I want you to know that it means the world to me.

Well, I have always said that I will continue to blog as long as I am enjoying it and it is helping me so here I am. I think it’s about time that I give you all a wee life update and let you know how I have been getting on; the good and the bad.

The Downward Spiral

A few weeks ago, I started feeling the side effects of my antedepressants very badly. I was experiencing sickness and diarrhoea. It was horrible and I was off work because of it. I knew that these were possible side effects so I tried to roll with it and wait until I got better; however, it took a little longer than I had anticipated for the side effects to subside. Now, this is where things start to get really bad. The side effects had really affected me physically more than anything else and my sleeping pattern had been badly affected. I was up until all hours of the night and the morning, which obviously did not help with my routine or my mental health. Thus begun the downward spiral.

My mental health began to deteriorate and it only did so quicker and quicker, until my anxiety was so bad that I could not face going into work. I knew by this point that my mental heath was very important and if my brain was telling me that I shouldn’t be in work then I should listen to it and look after myself. I tried this and stayed off work to give my brain as much of a break as I could. Except, I had no idea how much this would eventually affect me in the long run. I was about to hit the lowest point of my struggle with depression up to this point. Days off work turned very quickly into a week and before I knew it, I was off for 3 full weeks. As I started preparing to go back to work, it hit me: I don’t get sick pay from my employer and I have rent and bills to pay at the end of the month. This realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks and I was absolutely floored with my depression. I instantly felt numb, like my brain had just shut down in order to protect me from the anguish that was realising my failure and the impossible situation with which I was now faced. This numbness was very familiar to me by this point but there was something else… something new. I suddenly no longer wanted to be here anymore. I didn’t want to live as somebody who had failed so miserably and fallen so low that I would not be able to pick myself back up. Some of you may be thinking that I was feeling suicidal and you would be forgiven for assuming this; however, I wasn’t suicidal. I wasn’t having feelings of ending my own life; I was having feelings of no longer wanting to exist anymore. It is difficult to explain but I hope that others have felt this as strongly as I have and they will be able to relate to it. If you have, get in touch and tell me about it.

On the Up ‘n’ Up!

I was in the pits for what felt like an age but it was actually only a couple of days. I knew that I had to do something positive and at least try to get myself out of this difficult situation so I did. I arranged to go over to my mum and dad’s house for dinner on the Sunday. I have been in situations before where I am hesitant to talk to my mum and dad about certain subjects but let me tell you: this one was a doozy. Not only was I in a financial crisis but I had to tell them the reason why I was. It meant having to talk about my mental health to a degree that I had never had to reach before. This was scary stuff… but I did my best to stay positive and remember that my mum and dad are there for me. They are my family and they always have and always will be. My maw ‘n’ da!

Well, after dinner, I plucked up the courage and spoke to them about everything. The side effects, the spiral into nothingness, the time off work and the financial troubles. I would be lying if I said they weren’t taken aback and a little upset with me; I had, after all, neglected to tell them that I had been suffering. With that being said, they were absolutely wonderful and more supportive than I could ever have imagined. They were my light at the end of the tunnel. My saviours and my heroes. I could see clearer than ever before that tey are my rock. This feeling of love and support filled my heart to the brim but at the same time, it lifted a huge weight off from my shoulders and allowed me to relax for the first time in weeks. This was the beginning of my gradual climb back up towards being myself again and do you know what? I haven’t stoped climbing! To this day, I am feeling better with each day that passes and I can feel my positive outlook coming back. I don’t know if this is due to the dosage of my meds being increased or if I have somehow had some sort of epiphany during all of the anguish or even during my climb back up. All I know is that I feel fantastic. Will this feeling last? No, it wont… but a big part of me now realises that and knows that it won’t be the end of the world when I drop back down a little. I know that I have support in many places and I don’t need to suffer.

What Now?

You might be wondering: what’s going on now that you’ve managed to fight your way back up, Duncan? To be quite honest, not a lot has been going on recently. I have been taking a lot of time for myself. I have been chilling out and getting a good night’s sleep for work as often as I can. I have been eating as well as possible on this tight budget and I have been seeing my friends and family whenever I can. Now that I feel like I am in a better place, I will be able to write more often. I will be able to start making more videos for my YouTube channel. I will be able to enjoy my life, as well as ensure that I am a more active member of this wonderful blogging and Mental Health Awareness community. I want to start really making a difference in the world of mental health and what better time to do it other than when I am feeling positive and productive?

I will probably be looking for other bloggers to collaborate with in the near future. Already, I am in talks with somebody about a few different projects and I have been in touch with one of my favourite bloggers about doing a collab with them very soon. We had planned to publish a post for World Mental Health Day on Wednesday 10th October but life got in the way for both of us and in the end this wasn’t possible. We will be getting together very soon, I hope. It’s going to be a very busy time for me and I couldn’t be happier about that. I will of course still be doing my #BeardedChat and keeping up with my @BeardedRT account, as well as keeping you all updated on my personal/blogging Twitter, @TalesofaBeard. There has never been a better time to follow my blog. I promise you that it will be a very exciting, thought-provoking and even funny time for all of you who are keen to keep up with my goings on.

Why don’t you join me for it all?

Love and Peace

The Next Step: My Vlogging Journey

I have been pretty quiet on my blog for the past week or so. This has really been because I have been in a rut with my mental health and even writing couldn’t bring me out of it. I was just in my pit and not doing anything of any substance. I have managed to scrape by and can say that I am breaking out again. Let’s try to keep that going.

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The Next Step

I have taken a huge step on my blogging journey: I have decided to start a YouTube channel so that I can vlog, as well as keep you updated on this blog.

I am still enjoying writing and will continue to do so for as long as it helps me and it is fun or therapeutic; however, this next step comes at a time when I really want to help other people. The vlog will still be centred around my own life but the stories will be told with the intention of reaching out to others who are going through similar experiences. Talking directly to people who are struggling with mental health issues, particularly men, who are far more likely to conform to the stigma that mental health should not be talked about in any circumstances.

Breaking the Stigma

The main goal of getting my vlog out there is to try to break the stigma surrounding mental health. I want to show people, through talking about my own problems and suggesting ways to improve mental health, that it is absolutely fine to talk about your mental health and you are not alone in your struggle. We are all human and our brains are all susceptible to mental illnesses. This is just a fact of life and the more that people realise this, the better chance we have of breaking the stigma surrounding it all. Mental health can no longer be a taboo subject. There are too many people suffering and even dying because of this.

My Vlog

Here is my first video, which is an introduction to the kind of content I will be posting and my goals with the vlog. Give it a watch, visit my channel and like and subscribe to receive more updates. I am so excited to continue with this project:

Love and Peace

The Flawesome Award

I have been nominated for the Flawesome Award by katedaysaweek and I am really honoured to have received this nomination from her. Apart from anything else, she is an amazing blogger and I am thankful that she thought of me.

The Flawesome Award was created by Sophia Ismaa Writes and I would like to show you her own description of the award and its intention:

“It’s time to celebrate the flaws that make you awesome.

How many times do we see an award that celebrates all things bright and shiny and sunny in a person? How often do we forget that our weaknesses can be a strength? Our flaws make us human, our flaws tell us more about who we are, and in turn we turn those flaws into awesome strengths. In short, our flaws make us #flawesome.”

Rules:

Link back to the creator – Sophia Ismaa Writes
Display the award
List 3 flaws and turn it into a strength
Tag 10 other people

3 THINGS THAT MAKE ME FLAWESOME

I am far too laid back a lot of the time and while this can have a very negative impact on my life, it has its positive sides too. The main things that come to mind when I think of positives that could come from being too laid back are my demeanour and mannerisms. It makes me very approachable and I have been told by many people I have a very calming air about me. I make people feel at ease and if they are panicking or feeling anxious then I can usually bring them back down and help them to ground themselves.

I can be too kind sometimes and this can get me into situations that are, overall, not very good for me. For instance, I have been taken advantage of many times throughout my life. People have taken my kindness and run with it so that they can get things from me but they never repay the favour; however, my kindness is also one of my greatest traits and my experiences with people taking advantage of me have allowed me to build my judge of character. I am now better able to determine who is worthy of my kindness and who isn’t. Now, when I give all of my kindness to somebody, it is greater appreciated and I feel better for it. This is a hugely positive thing for me.

I have been told I take myself too seriously. This is something that causes me to be quick to emotion when somebody takes the piss out of me or something that I have done. My friends often pull me up for taking things too seriously. Although it can be an annoying trait, it also means that I take my life and my goals seriously. I don’t see myself as a joke and I see myself as worthy of being taken seriously. This is something that I have recently lost sight of, as I have fallen into the depths of depression; however, it is something that I will be trying to keep in mind so that I can continue my journey to beating this mental illness.

This has been fun to write, as it has allowed me to look at myself and bring even more positivity out of me. It is incredibly important for me to remember that there can be something positive pulled from almost any situation.

I will now nominate:

My Heart, My Soul, My Bitter Brain in Revolt

I am sitting here in my pit,

Waiting for motivation to hit.

My heart yearns for a better life,

While my soul battles through all this strife.

This struggle has gone on far too long,

I want to be but I’m really not strong.

Fighting against my mind, it’s becoming old hat,

Constantly over thinking about this or about that.

I know what I need to do to get better,

But my brain, it continues to stutter.

It is winning this fight, right now,

Keeping me from doing even that which I know how.

Will I ever beat this darkness, this debilitating illness?

Will I be able to substitute it for happiness and wellness?

Alas, I do not know, truth be told,

As it seems my bitter brain is in revolt.

My Fragile Mind

I have been fighting with my mind for a long time now. It has been a constant struggle. I feel like I have recently been winning the battle but it is far from over and I still have weak moments, where I feel like giving up. Sometimes, I do give up and I don’t do anything for a whole day. It is a horrible and vicious cycle, which only results in me struggling even harder to just get myself on an even keel.

The most frustrating thing for me right now is that the weak moments are far more pronounced now than they ever were. Even though I have progressed and am happier now than I have been in a long time, the weak moments that I have often lead to a darkness and despair that is so real. Yes, I can cope with it a little better because of my medication but the constant feeling of depression is still there. I find myself getting on with my life in a sort of autopilot fashion but I don’t have the drive to do anything else. I don’t have the drive to do something that will make me happy. Is it because nothing is making me happy right now? Well, I don’t think that’s the case, as I have recently expressed that I feel happy and it is a genuine feeling of happiness. Is it because I haven’t given my medication enough time to balance itself out? That seems a little more likely.

Whatever is going on in my head, my mind seems to be more fragile now than it ever was before. Although I have far more moments of happiness, it seems like it doesn’t take much to bring me out of that feeling and right back down to the depths. No, I’m not just talking about sadness or being in a bad mood. I am talking about an all encompassing feeling that I am worthless and nothing that I do will matter. Rather than it being something that is making me suicidal or making me feel like I might as well not be on this Earth, it is more like a nihilistic view. I have never been a nihilist. I don’t want to be a nihilist… but whatever is going on in my head seems to be turning me into one. As a result of me feeling like nothing that I do matters, I just feel an emptiness and a sense of apathy towards my life and actions. It causes me to think that I should just do nothing and everything will be fine. I don’t need to eat right now, I can eat something later. I don’t need to get dressed right now, I am comfortable in my dressing gown. I don’t need to make my bed, I’m just going to lay in it all day anyway. I don’t need to clean the dishes, I can do them any time. I don’t need to pay my debts because I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. This nihilism could very easily become quite self destructive… and do you know the funny thing? Although I know this and although I understand that I need to stop behaving this way and thinking this way, I am not any closer to actually doing anything about it. I just don’t have the motivation to fix it. It is so very frustrating.

I want to fix it. I want that more than anything. I know that I am capable of fixing it and I know that I will fix it. I am just tired of putting it off but even though I am fed up, I still am doing nothing. It is just getting worse and worse. Will I need to hit rock bottom before I am able to pull myself up again? Is that it? Will it be the darkness that saves me? As I am writing this, I feel like my only other option is to reach out for help; to ask one or more of my friends to help me keep things in perspective and do what I need to do. The only thing with that option is that I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to annoy anybody, as I know that everybody has their own struggle. Everybody has their own life and I shouldn’t expect anybody to take on the task of basically babying me back to a balanced mental health. Well, do I need to look at it from another perspective? One that shows me that I am worth looking after? One that shows me that my true friends will be there for me no matter what and that they do care about me? I think that might be the answer to my problems right now. Maybe I am looking at this from a perspective that is far too negative and I am blind to my own worth and blind to the friends who want to help me.

One of the great things that I have found about writing is that it allows me to get my own thoughts out of my head and organise them. As much as this blog post seems like a mess of thoughts, for me, seeing it all laid out in words has helped me so much. I feel like I have taken steps towards understanding more and more about my mind with every sentence that I have written today. Being able to understand, cope with and overcome my mental health issues was the very reason that I started blogging in the first place and I am very glad that writing is still helping me to do that.

I hope that this has been another step towards a healthier mind and a happier me.

Love and Peace

Letter to My Brain: Follow-Up

You may have read the previous and first letter that I wrote to my brain. If you haven’t, I would recommend heading over to Letter to My Brain on my blog.

This is a follow-up letter, where I talk to my brain about how I am feeling at this moment in time and check in to see if we are any closer to the working partnership, for which I said we should strive.

Let’s dive in and see if there have been any changes:

“Dear Brain,

Hi again. I hope you haven’t forgotten my last letter. I know you can’t write back, being a brain and all but I am quite sure you got the message. I do hope that my feelings on this are correct.

Since I last wrote, I have noticed a big difference in the way you have been treating me. In fact, I noticed many differences along the way; not all of these differences were positive but it is the outcome that matters most of all in this situation.

The first big change that I noticed came when I had not long started taking my antidepressants. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and shocked me to my very core. It was an anxiety attack like I had never felt before. My initial reaction, once I had overcome the anxiety, was “why are you doing this to me? Why, when I am trying to help you by taking these meds?” I felt helpless, as I thought the meds were not working at all. I began resenting you even more than I had done when I initially wrote to you; however, once I calmed down and realised that the tablets can cause one’s anxiety to get worse before it gets better, I felt quite sheepish. Of course it was the tablets and not you. My GP even told me to expect things to get worse initially. I was just blind to it, like a fool.

The next change that I felt, once the rough period was nearing its end, was that you seemed a lot less chaotic. You weren’t making me over think as much as you used to. You weren’t making me panic or stress as much as you tended to do before. Although I was still anxious and I still did think about a lot over time, it was a welcome relief from the constant mess that was my head when you were in control and seemed to be out to get me. It is quite hard to describe, other than to say that I felt calmer and more focused.

Probably the best difference to me was that I actually felt happier more often. Things weren’t as dark or cloudy. It was such a relief that you had found it in you to lift the veil for me and to do it as much as you did. I appreciated it to no end. Don’t think that it went unnoticed, as I noticed it every time and I made sure to make the most of it. As I was happier, I had it in me to love the way that I had before. I was able to free up some room in my head in order to help those I love. It was uplifting and it has brought me even closer to people in my life. I knew you still had that loving and caring side somewhere inside you. You were just hiding it from me, as you didn’t want to be too vulnerable.

Of course, as a result of all of these things, I am more laid back and closer to my chilled out self than I have been in a long time. Rather than feel guilty for sitting in my dressing gown on my days off, I feel comfortable. All I need is a White Russian and a nice big rug to lay on; it would really tie the room together. I’m taking it easy and you know am. The Dude abides, after all.

Brain, we still have a long way to go before we find the man I described in my first letter but the progress we have made together so far only gives me more hope that we will find him. You have given me the space I needed to start looking for him and I am happy to say that traces of him have popped up in so many places. You are starting to remember and this makes me very happy. To me, the only way from here is up…. and I couldn’t have gotten this far without your help.

Let’s continue the fight, struggle on and keep searching together. One day, we will be ready to try to take over the world, Brain.

Yours sincerely,

Duncan”

I have to say, writing this letter felt very different to writing the first one. I hope you enjoyed it and I can guarantee you that there will be another one in future.

Love and Peace

My Holiday So Far: This is the Life

I am sitting with a coffee that was made for me by my mum when I got out of bed. She also offered to make me a bacon roll for breakfast, which is currently on its way. My dad is sitting with the newspaper and my wee niece is walking around, chatting away to everybody, asking to go out and play.

This holiday has been just what the doctor ordered. A nice, relaxing few days away with my family. I haven’t done very much and that is definitely a good thing. The biggest thing I did was play a game of poker on the Friday night, which was a long and drunken night but it was the most fun I’ve had in a while (despite being put out first). The house I am staying in is huge and has everything that we could need, including 4 bathrooms. There is a massive kitchen/dining room, with a huge 8-seater dining table. There is a big conservatory with a corner couch and recliner chair. The conservatory looks out onto a garden that is almost as big as the house, which has plenty of bushes, flowers, some pebble walkways and even a pond.

I was actually due to come home today, as I had booked a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow morning; however, my mum could see how much this holiday was helping me mentally and emotionally and she has convinced me to call the doctor in the morning to ask if we could continue with the appointment over the telephone. I hadn’t even thought of this being an option so I was really happy for my mum to have suggested it. It’s exactly what I’m going to do and I am going to make the most of my time off.

To give you a little bit of context as to why this holiday has been so incredibly good for me and my mental health, St Andrews is a very special place to me. I have been coming here every year for 20 years. I know the place like the back of my hand and consider it to be a second home. It is a very relaxing and peaceful place, where I feel 100% safe walking around, no matter the time of day. It has several beaches, where you can take in the sea air. There are some beautiful, scenic walks that are just a joy to take. The pubs here are so nice, with some of the friendliest staff around. It is a place that my entire family loves, which means we can all spend time together here and each one of us would enjoy ourselves and be happy.

Where is your happy place? Is there a regular holiday that you take which makes you feel the happiest? Maybe you just have a place you can visit any time you like which makes you content? I would love it if you would share them with me. Now, I’m off to continue enjoying my holiday while I can.

Love and Peace