You may have read the previous and first letter that I wrote to my brain. If you haven’t, I would recommend heading over to Letter to My Brain on my blog.
This is a follow-up letter, where I talk to my brain about how I am feeling at this moment in time and check in to see if we are any closer to the working partnership, for which I said we should strive.
Let’s dive in and see if there have been any changes:
Hi again. I hope you haven’t forgotten my last letter. I know you can’t write back, being a brain and all but I am quite sure you got the message. I do hope that my feelings on this are correct.
Since I last wrote, I have noticed a big difference in the way you have been treating me. In fact, I noticed many differences along the way; not all of these differences were positive but it is the outcome that matters most of all in this situation.
The first big change that I noticed came when I had not long started taking my antidepressants. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and shocked me to my very core. It was an anxiety attack like I had never felt before. My initial reaction, once I had overcome the anxiety, was “why are you doing this to me? Why, when I am trying to help you by taking these meds?” I felt helpless, as I thought the meds were not working at all. I began resenting you even more than I had done when I initially wrote to you; however, once I calmed down and realised that the tablets can cause one’s anxiety to get worse before it gets better, I felt quite sheepish. Of course it was the tablets and not you. My GP even told me to expect things to get worse initially. I was just blind to it, like a fool.
The next change that I felt, once the rough period was nearing its end, was that you seemed a lot less chaotic. You weren’t making me over think as much as you used to. You weren’t making me panic or stress as much as you tended to do before. Although I was still anxious and I still did think about a lot over time, it was a welcome relief from the constant mess that was my head when you were in control and seemed to be out to get me. It is quite hard to describe, other than to say that I felt calmer and more focused.
Probably the best difference to me was that I actually felt happier more often. Things weren’t as dark or cloudy. It was such a relief that you had found it in you to lift the veil for me and to do it as much as you did. I appreciated it to no end. Don’t think that it went unnoticed, as I noticed it every time and I made sure to make the most of it. As I was happier, I had it in me to love the way that I had before. I was able to free up some room in my head in order to help those I love. It was uplifting and it has brought me even closer to people in my life. I knew you still had that loving and caring side somewhere inside you. You were just hiding it from me, as you didn’t want to be too vulnerable.
Of course, as a result of all of these things, I am more laid back and closer to my chilled out self than I have been in a long time. Rather than feel guilty for sitting in my dressing gown on my days off, I feel comfortable. All I need is a White Russian and a nice big rug to lay on; it would really tie the room together. I’m taking it easy and you know am. The Dude abides, after all.
Brain, we still have a long way to go before we find the man I described in my first letter but the progress we have made together so far only gives me more hope that we will find him. You have given me the space I needed to start looking for him and I am happy to say that traces of him have popped up in so many places. You are starting to remember and this makes me very happy. To me, the only way from here is up…. and I couldn’t have gotten this far without your help.
Let’s continue the fight, struggle on and keep searching together. One day, we will be ready to try to take over the world, Brain.
I have to say, writing this letter felt very different to writing the first one. I hope you enjoyed it and I can guarantee you that there will be another one in future.
Love and Peace