Hello, Old Friend

Well, this is the first blog that I’ve written in a very long time. To tell the truth, I don’t know why I haven’t written in so long. I found such solace in putting my thoughts and feelings into words, that it seems crazy for me to have stopped; yet, here we are. 

 

There is so much that I could write about so if I manage to keep this up, I hope to try and get through it all. In the meantime, let’s just start with how I’m doing right now. I’m lost. Very lost. Although, not so lost that I worry about never being found. I know that I’ll find myself again and I’ll find my path. With that in mind, let’s get searching. 

 

I’m finally in a job where I can be happy about what I do, even though it’s still a means to an end. I’m working in a pub and club in my home town. The pub is actually somewhere I really enjoyed spending time before I even considered working there. It’s somewhere that I have a lot of faith in and respect very much. Live music every weekend, pub quizzes, karaokes, team events. There’s not a single day in the week that doesn’t have something going on and I feel privileged to be able to work at any one of these events. To serve the customers who come in, whether they’re regulars or new faces. That is really saying something, considering that 6 months ago I would have said that I loathe working in the service industry. I feel content with my working life… well, in terms of the work itself. 

 

You see, I’m not getting enough hours in my job to stay afloat financially. This has caused a lot of money worries, which has led to stress, which has led to anxiety and depression… and that is where I regret stopping my writing the most. If I had kept writing, maybe these last few months would have been so much easier to handle. Maybe I would have been able to keep things in perspective. Except, I couldn’t keep perspective and that’s why I feel lost. 

 

Shortly after I stopped writing, I decided I would do something with my life academically. Educate myself in an area where I would be happy, not just earning money but making a difference in the world. I decided that area would be science; specifically, astrophysics. I took a step back to figure out what fascinated me and filled me with wonder. I felt like such an idiot that I hadn’t thought of it before, as it was staring me in the face: I’ve always been fascinated by space, planets, galaxies, the universe and how all of it works. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to discover other worlds, discover how this universe works and discover why things we have observed in space are there.  

 

When I realised what direction I wanted to take, I set about signing up for a course through the Open University. I felt so driven to succeed. I would study at every opportunity that I could find. Well, somewhere along the way, I lost that drive. I fell away from it and into another one of my pits of despair, purely because of my financial situation. I found that I couldn’t afford internet, which was a major drawback in my studies. This eventually turned into a vicious cycle, as the more I fell away from my studies, the more guilty I felt and the more depressed I became. The further into my comfortably numb pit I fell. 

 

No more. I’ve taken stock of what’s been happening in my life and I’ve rediscovered my priorities. One of which is to write more and maintain my perspective. Of course, another priority is to make sure I stay the hell away from that pit as often as I can. It’s far too comfortable a place for one that is so dark and scary. It’s a dangerous place, that could very well destroy my ambitions. 

 

Well, you know what’s been going on recently in my life. I’d very much like to know how you all are doing. My dear blogging buddies. The ones who believed in me and helped me through some of my darkest times. Pop up and say hi again. Although, I will understand if you’d rather let this pass you by, given that I just disappeared. 

 

As always, Love and Peace. 

 

Duncan 

An Open Letter: To Everybody Who Has Reached Out to Me

To those who have helped me,

 

I have been using Twitter regularly ever since I started writing. Sometimes this was just to vent about something which was bothering me at any given moment; sometimes it was to promote blog posts that I thought people may enjoy or appreciate. In any case, I have made so many new friends since I started Tweeting and blogging.

 

Of the friends that I have made, I appreciate most of all of the people who have reached out to me when I was in a bad place. Whether I had been silent and you sent a message to check on me or if you have picked up on any of my cries for help and reached out, I want you to know that I appreciate this to no end. The fact that you have reached out to a stranger online shows me that you have a good heart and your intentions are pure. To me, that is a wonderful thing and it restores some of the faith I once had in humanity.

 

I am still struggling with my mental health and I know that I still have a tendency to retreat when things get rough; however, I do eventually remember that you all are there for me. I hope that you don’t take it personally when I don’t reach out, as you have all reminded me time and time again that you are only a message away. It is difficult to talk when I am in my darkness and I can’t always reach out.

 

After all that you have done for me in these last 7 months, I hope that I will be able to repay the favour. I hope that I can do something for each of you to show my gratitude. From the bottom of my heart, I feel like anything that I do won’t be good enough but I want to try. If there is something that you need help with or if you are struggling at all, please drop me a message and I will do anything that I can.

 

Thank you all again so much for your kindness, for being so pure and for making me feel like I matter during a time when I felt worthless. You have a special place in my heart.

 

Duncan

 

Love and Peace

The Bus Chronicles: A Wee Catch Up

My Bus Chronicles posts are usually full of weird goings on or negativity. Well, you may be pleased to know that this one is a lot more positive!

My Bus Chronicles posts are usually full of weird goings on or negativity. Well, you may be pleased to know that this one is a lot more positive!

 

Recently, I was heading home from work and was fully expecting my journey to be the same old, mundane part of my day that usually passes me by. I had thoughts of getting home, changing into my PJs and having a nice cup of tea. Little did I know that I was about to get a lovely surprise.

 

I was waiting at the bus stop (as one would do when waiting for a bus) and doing a little bit of people watching to pass the time. I saw a few familiar faces; ones which I had grown accustomed to seeing at that particular time of the day but not people whom I knew personally. Suddenly, I saw a friendly face among the crowd. One I hadn’t seen in a very long time and one which made me smile. Who was it, I hear you wondering? Well, it was Charlene, @blogabtnothing1, of course!

charlenemcelhinney

Many of you may know Charlene, whether just in passing in the blogging scene or if you have interacted with her personally. Regardless of how you know her, you’ll know that she is one of the purest, kindest souls you could ever meet. Despite not seeing each other for a long time and although our previous interactions had been brief, few and far between, when she noticed me she instantly smiled, struck up a conversation and seemed genuinely interested to see how I was doing. It would have been so easy for either of us to just keep the interaction at a brief hello and goodbye. We could have sat at different seats on the bus and just kept to ourselves but that’s not what happened.

 

When we got on the bus, we both chose seats next to each other and continued the chat. It was nice to just sit and have a proper wee catch up, as all too often these sort of chats can be so superficial and forced. There was nothing forced about this little meeting and I got the feeling that we both were both incredibly comfortable; so much so that we started talking about very personal things, how things were making us feel deep down and the big plans we had for the future. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realise the amount we managed to cram into the brief 45 minutes that we had with each other. Despite covering a lot in our conversation, I still felt like we could have sat and chatted for hours. Charlene, if you’re reading this, we definitely need to grab a coffee some time and get a proper chat!

 

It’s safe to say that this was one of the nicest highlights from my January 2019. It may seem silly to some people but I genuinely feel like we made a strong connection. When I make a connection like that with another person, it makes my heart glad. It doesn’t happen very often so I will always cherish moments like that.

 

Thanks for reading, folks.

 

Love and Peace