My Manic Days: Why I Worry About the Extent of My Depression

This little brain of mine. It’s certainly been putting me through the ringer over the past year.


I’ve had my highs and my lows but if I am honest with myself,  I have to say that it has mainly been crippling lows. My depression has brought me to my knees more times than I would care to count. I have been fighting very hard to keep it at bay but no matter how many times I pull myself back up and no matter how many things I learn about my mental health, there is always something in my head which drags me back down into the pits. It seems an almost inevitable part of my life now. I thought I had already come to terms with this but I really haven’t. The knowledge that I will hit a soul-crushing dark spell at some point in the near future is terrifying to me still.


Manic Highs

One of the things that is scaring me currently is a pattern that I’ve noticed in my mental health: I almost always fall into a dark spell immediately after I have had a manic high. I go from feeling amazing, untouchable and invincible, to a pathetic little ball of depression who doesn’t want to do anything. Do you know what makes this most annoying? It means I am now scared to be happy. I am literally scared to enjoy things in case I tip over and fall to the point of no return.


What Does This Mean?

I have been thinking about my mental health and the patterns that I have described, both in the past and in this post. I don’t want to start diagnosing myself, as that is the last thing one should do when it comes to mental illness. Really, I am just making observations and writing them down so that I can analyse them.


In observing the patterns and applying these to different forms of mental illnesses and disorders, the only cases I have been able to compare my experience to have been those involving Bi-polar disorder. This was formally known as manic depression. Somebody who suffers from Bi-polar disorder will go through phases of manic highs, followed by crippling depression. This is of course a simple representation of the disorder, as I understand that there is far more to it than just being really happy and then being really depressed. I have picked up a fair bit of knowledge on Bi-polar disorder over the last few years and I may write a post on the topic at some point but for the purposes of this blog post, I will just leave it at a simple explanation.


Naturally, given that my manic highs seem to be followed by not just a period of feeling down but a crippling depression, I am concerned that I may have Bi-polar disorder. Like I said, I am not writing this to self-diagnose and I would NEVER claim to have a disorder unless I had been medically diagnosed with it. I am simply voicing my concerns over the possibility that I may have it. I will obviously need to voice my concerns to my GP if I want to know for sure and this is something that I may end up doing if my concerns increase or even remain in the next few months.


What Do You Think?

Do you think that I am concerned over nothing? Am I maybe over thinking things? Do you think that I am right? I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Even if you think that I am spouting a load of drivel and that I am worrying too much. Drop me a wee comment or even an email using the contact section of my website.


Love and Peace

11 thoughts on “My Manic Days: Why I Worry About the Extent of My Depression

  1. ktkinnes says:

    One good step is opening up about your mental health, and I know several people who couldn’t orignially talk to their GP for fear of being judged. They wrote similar posts to this, and actually printed it and took it to their GP and sat while the GP read it, just to try and voice how they were feeling. All I would say is that if it’s concerning you then you should speak to a professional just to get an answer for yourself. Hope you’re okay, and that the lows don’t come as frequently in the coming months.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tales of A Bearded Man says:

      When I opened up to my GP, they seemed to be going through the motions and doing the bare minimum. It’s one of the reasons I tend to do things myself. I will speak to a professional if things are still concerning me down the line. Thank you and I hope you’re okay too!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ashley says:

    This all definitely starts with talking about it, so I’m glad you’re using blogging as a way to almost journal in reflection about it! The more aware we are about our own patterns and triggers the more we can help ourselves walk through it. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jasonlikestotravel says:

    I think over-thinking it is natural when you’re going through a tough time and trying to understand it. I see you’ve mentioned your experience with GP’s but have you thought of talking to someone else that specialises in mental health?
    Whatever you do, I hope things pick up and you get an answer to what’s behind going from such a high to such a low so quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tales of A Bearded Man says:

      I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to reply!

      I agree that it’s a natural thing to do when things are rough. It doesn’t help that my anxiety goes into overdrive when I’m feeling low.

      I have considered speaking to a mental health therapist but I would struggle to find the time to do this. If I can, I will. Thanks for the thought!

      Cheers, I hope things are well for you buddy!


      Liked by 1 person

  4. eed563 says:

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I get on the same roller coaster and when I crash, I crash hard. I often feel like maybe I do have bi-polar disorder and seeing someone else think they suffer from that makes me feel better, oddly enough. I think that because you already are aware of what your cycles are like, you have a better chance of figuring out what changes it takes to break that cycle.

    Best of luck in whatever you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ilona Elliott says:

    I have a brother with Bi-polar. It’s a serious brain disorder and requires treatment. Your description of your issues sound a lot like it. The worst symptoms are truly frightening and are often triggered by stressful times. You can become completely disoriented and disjointed from reality when you are in a psychotic break. Please do consider finding some help. You could try hooking up with NAMI for information and support:

    It is possible to have the disorder for years and be functional, as my sibling was, but it can be life changing when it gets bad, and it affects everyone who cares for you. I hope you find some relief, information, support, whatever you need right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tales of A Bearded Man says:

      Thank you for this. As you’re somebody who has lived with it in your brother, this means a lot to me. I won’t lie, if you recognise it from my post then I’m more than a little nervous to look any further. Although, I will do it and I will find the support I need. Thank you again.


      Liked by 1 person

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