I have been fighting with my mind for a long time now. It has been a constant struggle. I feel like I have recently been winning the battle but it is far from over and I still have weak moments, where I feel like giving up. Sometimes, I do give up and I don’t do anything for a whole day. It is a horrible and vicious cycle, which only results in me struggling even harder to just get myself on an even keel.
The most frustrating thing for me right now is that the weak moments are far more pronounced now than they ever were. Even though I have progressed and am happier now than I have been in a long time, the weak moments that I have often lead to a darkness and despair that is so real. Yes, I can cope with it a little better because of my medication but the constant feeling of depression is still there. I find myself getting on with my life in a sort of autopilot fashion but I don’t have the drive to do anything else. I don’t have the drive to do something that will make me happy. Is it because nothing is making me happy right now? Well, I don’t think that’s the case, as I have recently expressed that I feel happy and it is a genuine feeling of happiness. Is it because I haven’t given my medication enough time to balance itself out? That seems a little more likely.
Whatever is going on in my head, my mind seems to be more fragile now than it ever was before. Although I have far more moments of happiness, it seems like it doesn’t take much to bring me out of that feeling and right back down to the depths. No, I’m not just talking about sadness or being in a bad mood. I am talking about an all encompassing feeling that I am worthless and nothing that I do will matter. Rather than it being something that is making me suicidal or making me feel like I might as well not be on this Earth, it is more like a nihilistic view. I have never been a nihilist. I don’t want to be a nihilist… but whatever is going on in my head seems to be turning me into one. As a result of me feeling like nothing that I do matters, I just feel an emptiness and a sense of apathy towards my life and actions. It causes me to think that I should just do nothing and everything will be fine. I don’t need to eat right now, I can eat something later. I don’t need to get dressed right now, I am comfortable in my dressing gown. I don’t need to make my bed, I’m just going to lay in it all day anyway. I don’t need to clean the dishes, I can do them any time. I don’t need to pay my debts because I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. This nihilism could very easily become quite self destructive… and do you know the funny thing? Although I know this and although I understand that I need to stop behaving this way and thinking this way, I am not any closer to actually doing anything about it. I just don’t have the motivation to fix it. It is so very frustrating.
I want to fix it. I want that more than anything. I know that I am capable of fixing it and I know that I will fix it. I am just tired of putting it off but even though I am fed up, I still am doing nothing. It is just getting worse and worse. Will I need to hit rock bottom before I am able to pull myself up again? Is that it? Will it be the darkness that saves me? As I am writing this, I feel like my only other option is to reach out for help; to ask one or more of my friends to help me keep things in perspective and do what I need to do. The only thing with that option is that I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to annoy anybody, as I know that everybody has their own struggle. Everybody has their own life and I shouldn’t expect anybody to take on the task of basically babying me back to a balanced mental health. Well, do I need to look at it from another perspective? One that shows me that I am worth looking after? One that shows me that my true friends will be there for me no matter what and that they do care about me? I think that might be the answer to my problems right now. Maybe I am looking at this from a perspective that is far too negative and I am blind to my own worth and blind to the friends who want to help me.
One of the great things that I have found about writing is that it allows me to get my own thoughts out of my head and organise them. As much as this blog post seems like a mess of thoughts, for me, seeing it all laid out in words has helped me so much. I feel like I have taken steps towards understanding more and more about my mind with every sentence that I have written today. Being able to understand, cope with and overcome my mental health issues was the very reason that I started blogging in the first place and I am very glad that writing is still helping me to do that.
I hope that this has been another step towards a healthier mind and a happier me.
Love and Peace