Well, today I did it. I went to the doctor and spoke about my anxiety and depression.
This really wasn’t as scary as I had always expected. In fact, it was rather underwhelming. I had thought that my GP might probe me with lots of questions to make sure I was actually depressed, rather than just sad or even faking it for attention or drugs. Nope. She didn’t question very much and any questions she did ask I was able to answer very honestly. Within 10 minutes she had worked out what I had already done for my own mental health and figured that it was time for some extra help; however, although she was able to come to this conclusion very quickly, I couldn’t but feel the entire time that she was treating me as just another person with depression, rather than an individual. She seemed very bored through the entire appointment and certainly didn’t seem like she cared. Oh well.
Now, if you have read One Small Step for a Beard… then you will know my feelings on taking medication and especially antidepressants. I have no problem with other people taking them and I understand that, if it helps them, it is the best thing for them. Of course, when it comes to my own head and my own body, my opinion for some reason differs. I am scared of antidepressants. Terrified…. and by now you’ve probably guessed that this is exactly what my doctor prescribed today. Well, fuck.
Yes, I am scared of these tablets. I don’t know how they are going to make me feel. I know that they will more than likely help my depression and anxiety… but will I feel better? Will I feel like myself or a completely different person? Will I keep the things in my head that I actually enjoy about myself or will I lose those too? These are just some of the questions swirling around in my head. I guess there is literally only one way to find out: start taking the damn medication and getting better. Pushing through the fear and actually doing something that will benefit me, rather than sabotaging it like I normally do.
Hell, maybe they’ll help my brain remember me… then I can find myself again. Wouldn’t that be the best outcome that I could hope for? Thinking about that actually put a smile on my face as I write this. Here’s to getting better, regardless of how long the journey may be.
Love and Peace.