I have been doing very well in coping with my mental health problems these last couple of weeks. I honestly felt happy, for the most part. Of course, when you’re happy, it’s easy to forget that you will be sad again at some point. I am feeling very down today.
I woke up and didn’t get out of bed. I haven’t moved from this space in 3 hours. I’m hungry but I don’t want to make food. I’m thirsty but I don’t want to get water or tea. I can’t get up to go to the bathroom. I just feel paralysed. When I woke up, an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness came over me. It’s an all too familiar feeling. One that I hadn’t felt in a while, since I was doing so well mentally. I don’t know what to do with myself. I know that getting out of bed and doing something will help me. Maybe writing this blog will help even a little. I just can’t bring myself to do much more than this. I feel a panic attack coming on right now, as I type this. I think it’s because I’ve overwhelmed myself with thoughts that I’m pathetic and worthless.
There’s also something else that I have been struggling with for a few months. It has been constantly on my mind and it’s difficult to push it out: I have fallen head over heels in love and I can’t be with her. Life in all of its glory has made sure of that. The circumstances just don’t allow for it right now. I have been hoping that things would gradually get better but they have just remained a constant and it doesn’t look like it’ll be changing any time in the near future. We have talked about our feelings for each other and we both agree that neither of us is in the right frame of mind or life circumstance for a relationship. We have agreed that letting things happen naturally is the best way to move forward. For the most part, I have felt that it is indeed the best way; however, having anxiety in situations like this really doesn’t help at all. My tendency to over think gets in the way. It almost caused a complete break in our relationship just the other day, as I said some things that implied she didn’t really love me and she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. It was a dick move and I felt horrible almost immediately after I said it. Yet another example of anxiety and over thinking putting a strain on relationships. I have flooded my head with so many thoughts about our relationship that it has caused me to have full-blown anxiety attacks. I worry that I will lose her. It’s a horrible feeling, being worried that you will lose somebody. I don’t want to be dependent on somebody but I love this girl and I want her to be in my life. It’s another thing that makes me feel pathetic and worthless, as a lot of the time I feel like I am nowhere near good enough for her. If she were to read this, I may even get a slap in the face for being such a silly bastard. It’s just something I struggle to keep under control.
This has just been a few thoughts on how I’m feeling today. I needed to get some things out of my head and down on paper (or on a laptop). I am feeling a little better for doing it. I do still feel pretty worthless but hopefully I can snap myself out of it soon.
Love and Peace.